Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
