you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
