my phone needs a breathalizer
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
