I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
