glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
