Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
