so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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