We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
