I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
