I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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