Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
