dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
