i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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