If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
