Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
