Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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