next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I currently don't understand fingers.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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