i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
