Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
