I cut my penus on the lid.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
