I hate your face
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I am one with the molecules
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
