If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So much rum. So many feels.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
