our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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