Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
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The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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