4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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