before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My cat gives me a boner
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
