I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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