I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
