also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
