I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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