Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
