it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
