Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
