you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
