I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
