every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
