just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
