get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
