I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
