then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
