I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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