FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
