Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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