kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
