i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
