dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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