i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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