Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
