fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
