And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
