Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
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The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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