She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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