I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
