Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
