took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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