Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
