i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
17 year olds will be the death of me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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